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| Suggested Song While Reading: California Love by 2Pac |
To say that I love California, would be the understatement of the year. I freaking love California. I worship California. There is no greater state, than California. So, why am I leaving California? What other reason could there be, than love?
My dear husband, Adam. A man naturally good at everything, (expect putting Ikea furniture together). A man whose heart lay in the theater. Oklahoma born and bred, Adam almost never made it to sunny California. 8 years ago he was so close to moving to New York. But just my luck, and his, he landed on the Golden Coast. As time has gone on though, he felt the Big Apple calling his name. And in under a years time, we decided to give New York a chance.
Leaving California has to be about the hardest thing I've ever done. It has to be about the saddest thing I have ever done. As silly as that sounds, nothing has caused me more pain and sadness, than saying goodbye to my home.
I was so excited at first. I think just because I was ready for a change. But once we were about 3 weeks out from moving, the excitement turned to nervousness, and finally grief. We spent our last night on the beach in Santa Monica, and with the three best friends we'll ever have. Goodbyes were fast, sad, and unreal. How can we really not be seeing them again next weekend? How will next Saturday night be spent if not with these people, some shots and rockband?
The next morning we woke early, and sat on the floor of our empty apartment for the longest time. Has it ever been so hard to just stand up? Even the cats, Phoebe and Sawyer, felt it. Sawyer curled up in a little ball and Phoebe ran from us as we tried to put them in their carrier. How sad for them, to not understand what was going on.
I cried the entire drive through California. Part of the way through Arizona, a little in New Mexico and hardly at all in Texas. But once we hit Oklahoma, I literally had to pull off the road before a panic attack took over. It was the worst once we arrived at Adam's parents house. They were so excited to see him. His mom, dad and sisters all came outside. I know they were so happy to have Adam home. His mom had even made dinner. So imagine how sorry I felt when all I could do was run up the stairs and hide in our room. The most uncontrollable sob took over my body. It was one of those ones where you can't breath and it feels like you're going to pass out. Where your chest hurts and it literally feels like your heart is broken.
There have been good days here, and days where I find myself still crying. I will always miss California, and will always feel a sadness deep within. But I know it will lessen over time. I'll go days without feeling it, then weeks, and then months. I dare not say years.
We leave for New York tomorrow. Not to move, but to look for somewhere to live. I am excited to see the city. But even as I write this, my chest tightens and I have to practice controlling my breathing. It is going to be difficult. But it's not worth it if it's not, right?
